December 9, 2011

My First Kiss

A new series has recently premiered on TLC, demonstrating how far that network has fallen (as though we needed proof). Virgin Diaries "takes you inside the lives of adult virgins who reveal the challenges, truths, and anticipations of losing their virginity."

A commercial for the series included this (physically) painful kiss:

I get your reasoning, happy couple. You're saving something special for the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with - both your virginity and the intimate embrace of a lip lock. I really do get it.

And I really do think you look like two robins attempting to feed each other. Rehearsal is key, people! I'm in theatre, trust me - you don't tell the choreographer, "Yeah, that duet with the lead lady that's going to be viewed by everyone in the audience? Yeah, let's wing that."

But I'm inclined to be more generous as I remember my own First Kiss. It was in grade seven in the basement of a friend's house in Comox, British Columbia at my first co-ed party, sans adult supervision. I arrived 30 minutes early and walked around the block five times. Inside the house was Aimee. She had short, funky black hair, an athletic physique and a crooked smile. Her friend had told my friend who had told me that she liked me (we didn't have the Facebook back then). My dress shirt was soaking in nervous sweat. I went inside.

The basement was lit by Christmas lights, so it was dark (preferable - no one could see my terror).The host, in courtesy to couples who wanted to kiss in private, had hung a tarp from the ceiling to create a "kissing room." At some point in the evening Aimee dragged me in there.

She was standing very close to me. I think we both said, "hi." Then we went in for The Kiss.

I remember my body being very stiff; I'm sure my back seized. My hands were soaking through her shirt as I held her. At first our lips just mashed together and didn't move. But I had heard that there should be some motion, so I tried. Sort of a cow-chewing-its-cud kind of action. And then... what the hell is that in my mouth??? It's her TONGUE! AHH!

I tried to bite her lower lip at one point (saw it in a movie). Bit down too hard though, and she drew back. We tried again and bashed our teeth.

The party is a hazy memory, so I'm prepared to be corrected on these details. I do remember stumbling home afterwards, the dark woods illuminated by singing angels and optimism. I had kissed a girl.

So to the happy couple above - congratulations. Now... practice some more ;)

1 comment:

  1. Listen, here's the issue here- Sure, save yourself for marriage, that's all well and good. Hopefully when you lock it all down you won't find out to your horror that you're sexually incompatible (which is not a fun experience, let me tell you): But is this show really about people who decide they love each other, want to get married... and haven't even freaking kissed enough to do it half decently? Do such people exist?

    There's a lot of information that you get from a first kiss and I wouldn't want to marry anyone without having that at hand.